Random thoughts
> >The O.J. Trial
> As told by Dr. Suess
> I did not kill my lovely wife.
> I did not slash her with a knife.
> I did not bonk her on the head.
> I did not know that she was dead.
> I stayed at home that fateful night.
> I took a cab, then took a flight.
> The bag I had was just for me.
> My bag! My bag! Just leave it be.
> When I came home I had a gash.
> My hand was cut from broken glass
> I cut my hand on broken glass.
> A broken glass did cause that gash.
> I have nothing, nothing to hide.
> My friend, he took me for a ride.
> Did you take this person's life?
> Did you do it with a knife?
> I did not do it with a knife.
> I did not, could not kill my wife.
> I did not do this awful crime.
> I could not, would not anytime.
> Did you hit her from above?
> Did you drop this bloody glove?
> I did not hit her from above.
> I cannot even wear that glove.
> I did not do it with a knife.
> I did not, could not kill my wife.
> I did not do this awful crime.
> I could not, would not, anytime.
> And now I'm free, I can return.
> To my house for which i yearn.
> And to my family whom I love.
> Hey now I'm free--Give me back my glove!!
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43 RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should
leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man,
be sure to include something from each of the four
major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and
Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the
contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities
throughout the country, not all men are cretins
deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your
best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating
good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the
campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking
felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in
Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no
matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito,
fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might
shower upon their infant when it walks for the
first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all
gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's
spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions
you don't really want the answer to..
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the
wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is
not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the
Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an
argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational
abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big
deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the
word "cunt"..
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking,
most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially
the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:)
butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter
of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will
NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness
of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot
like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it.
Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories:
Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad,
Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to
wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in
this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy
Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad
Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better
looking than him. But since neither one of you is
going to be dating any of these people, love the
one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have
the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald
spot/beer gut/impossibly thick
glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you.
But please wait until the halftime show to act
upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman
uttering the sentence:
"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive
dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all
night?"
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their
horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers
and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when
the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were
stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and
mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit
'em out, guys, they're assholes!"
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A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He
waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the
nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to
check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain
but wondered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish
sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream
and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage
covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and
shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the
penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
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One summer, on a Friday afternoon, a young man was being trained by his
supervisor on his first day as a salesperson at a large department store.
His supervisor was trying to show him the amount of things he could sell
to customers by making them feel they needed the items. "Watch this," he
said and approached a man who has just entered the store.
"May I help you, sir?"
The man replied, "I just moved into my first house and I need some
fertilizer for my lawn."
So the supervisor said, "Well, we have five- and ten-pound bags of
fertilizer. I recommend you go with the ten pound bag."
"Why is that?"
"The ten-pound bag will get you through most of the summer, but the
five-pound bag won't," the supervisor answered.
"Fine, " the man agreed, "I'll take the ten-pounder."
"Very good sir. And would you like the stiff rake or the spring-rake with
that?"
"Rake? What do I need that for?"
"Well sir," said the supervisor authoritatively, "if you don't rake up the
old dead grass before you spread the fertilizer, it won't all reach the
soil."
"All right then. I'll get the stiff rake."
"Very good sir. And would you like the fixed sprinkler or the oscillating
sprinkler with that?"
The man started to get a bit steamed and asked harshly, "Sprinkler? Look,
I just came in here for some fertilizer. What do I need a sprinkler for?"
Calmly, the supervisor responded, "Well sir, if you water your lawn
immediately after fertilizing, the fertilizer will sink into the soil more
quickly and in no time at all, you'll have the greenest lawn in your
neighborhood."
This sounded pretty good to the man so he picked up the fixed sprinkler.
"OK, then. I'll take all this."
"Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that,"
asked the supervisor.
Now the customer had about had it and he all but blew up at the
supervisor.
"LAWNMOWER? Look, all I wanted when I came here was a bag of fertilizer.
You've already managed to sell me a rake and a sprinkler besides. Give me
one good reason why I should get a lawnmower, too!"
Calm as ever, the supervisor said,
"Well sir, if you get a lawnmower now, then you'll be all ready to start
trimming your beautiful green grass the minute it starts getting too long.
Your lawn will look like a golf course and you'll be the envy of all your
neighbors! Besides, they are on sale this week only, and you're going to
need it either way."
The man figured that sounded OK and he really wanted to get out of there
before he bought anything else so at last he relented. "Fine. I'll get the
electric mower, but that's it!"
"Very good sir. I'll ring that up for you."
After the man had left the store with all his new purchases, the
supervisor turned to the trainee and said, "So, do you think you could do
that?" The trainee said that he thought he could and the supervisor
directed him towards another customer.
The trainee approached the puzzled-looking man and asked, "May I help
you sir?"
The man replied, "Yes. I need some tampons for my wife."
The trainee is totally thrown off by this request. He can't imagine what
he could offer the man to go along with that. However, he wanted to
impress his boss so he thought hard. Suddenly, he had it!
"Very good sir. And would you like the electric or gas mower with that?"
"Mower? What the heck is wrong with you? I came in here looking for
tampons. Why the heck should I get a lawnmower, too?"
"Well sir, " the trainee answered, "I figure your weekend is shot, so you
might as well cut the grass."
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One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their
way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently
at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the
boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed
to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard
strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was
surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way.
His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and
father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover
herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who
still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were,
ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for
you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his
son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad,
when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather
have a puppy".
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A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him.
After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed
into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few
minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she
found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
============================================================
Bill and Marla decided that the only was to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all
the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled
father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. |
