Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.
She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said " Parkinson's disease".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the
entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd get dressed and get some coffee.
"Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
"All right!" says Eric, "let's go."
They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."
Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and
tries to get a leg in his underwear.
"What are you doing?" asks Sally.
"I'm gonna get dressed and have some coffee."
Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that."
"No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done N-O-W?"
"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."
Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone. "Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Tiger Woods. I want to find out exactly what par IS on this goddamn hole!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Bethlehem."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God is talking to Adam at the Garden of Eden when, looking over Adam's shoulder, God notices Eve stepping into the stream.
"No, Eve, do not go into the stream", God yells. But it was too late. Eve had already entered the stream.
God moans: "Now I'll never get the fish to smell right". |
