> >>>>HOW TO SING THE BLUES
> >>
> >> (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
> >> with help from Uncle Plunky)
> >>
> >> 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
> >>
> >> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
> >> stick something nasty in the next line.
> >>
> >> I got a good woman--
> >> with the meanest dog in town.
> >>
> >> 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
> >> Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
> >>
> >> Got a good woman
> >> with the meanest dog in town.
> >> He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
> >> and he weighs about 500 pounds.
> >>
> >> 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
> >>
> >> 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
> >> transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays
> >>
> >> a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
> >>
> >> 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
> >>Adulthood
> >> means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
> >>Memphis.
> >>
> >> 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
> >>Queens.
> >> Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
> >>Chicago,
> >> St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the
> >>blues.
> >>
> >> 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
> >> a. violet
> >> b. beige
> >> c. mauvre
> >>
> >> 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
> >>lighting
> >> is wrong.
> >>
> >>10. Good places for the Blues:
> >> a. the highway
> >> b. the jailhouse
> >> c. the empty bed
> >>
> >> Bad places:
> >> a. Ashrams
> >> b. Gallery openings
> >> c. weekend in the Hamptons
> >>
> >>11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
> >> happen to be an old black man.
> >>
> >>12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
> >> Yes, if:
> >> a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
> >> b. you're blind
> >> c. you shot a man in Memphis.
> >> d. you can't be satisfied.
> >>
> >> No, if:
> >> a. you were once blind but now can see.
> >> b. you're deaf
> >> c. you have a trust fund.
> >>
> >>13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
> >>
> >>14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
> >> Other blues beverages are:
> >> a. wine
> >> b. Irish whiskey
> >> c. muddy water
> >>
> >> Blues beverages are NOT:
> >> a. Any mixed drink
> >> b. Any wine kosher for Passover
> >> c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
> >>
> >>15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
> >> Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is
> >> the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
> >>
> >> emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a
> >> liposuction treatment.
> >>
> >>16. Some Blues names for Women
> >> a. Sadie
> >> b. Big Mama
> >> c. Bessie
> >>
> >>17. Some Blues Names for Men
> >> a. Joe
> >> b. Willie
> >> c. Little Willie
> >> d. Lightning
> >>
> >> Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
> >> sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
> >>
> >>17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
> >> a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
> >> b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
> >> c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
> >>
> >> Mix and Match |
