A nice lady got a job at a hardware store. Soon a gentleman walked in and said:
"Hey lady, I need a flat bastard file."
Quite offended, the lady replied:
"How dare you use profanity like that?"
At which the gentleman quickly explained that depending on how a file was cut, that was really the name for that file.
The lady, now embarrassed from her lack of knowledge, decided to remember the name of the file for future reference.
After several hours, another gentleman entered the store and said:
"Hey lady, I need a file."
The lady asked:
"A flat bastard?"
Gentleman:
"No, give me a round motherfucker"
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You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that
you would like discuss with me? In fact, I do, said the man. After I
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This guy (we'll call him Dave) went to the pet store and bought himself a parrot. The parrot could speak 5 different languages.
After a week, Dave had to go out of town on business. When Dave returned home and received his phone bill in the mail, he found $500 worth of phone calls had been made. He asked the parrot about it, and the parrot explained that he had made the calls to his friends around the world.
Dave was furious. He told the parrot that he had to go out of town again and that he had better not make any calls, or else. Yet when Dave returned, he found the same thing had happened when he received a phone bill for $1000.
Dave took the parrot and nailed his two wings to the wall. The parrot hung his head down, then looked over at the crucifix next to him and said
"So, how high was your phone bill?"
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A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any
books about committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The idiots never bring 'em back!"
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A black guy walked into a bar with a large female gorilla. He sat down at
the bar and said," I would like a bourbon and white wine for my date."
The bartender looked him in the eye and said, "We don't serve gorillas in
this bar."
The black guy, insulted by this seemingly bizarre attitude
left the bar in anger. He got home and started thinking that this wasn't
right. So he decided to shave the gorilla and take her back to the very
same bar. So, after clipping the gorilla as short as he could he walked
back into the bar, sat down at a table with the gorilla in tow and
ordered a bourbon and a white wine. The same bartender looked at him and
obligingly brought a round of drinks and walked back to the bar and
turned to a friend and remarked, "Isn't that something, every time a good
looking Italian girl comes in here she's with a black guy."
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Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure
if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need
is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball
red and one ball blue.
On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
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