"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me!" -- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait." -- A. Whitney Brown
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --
Michael McShane
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has
spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?" -- Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim.
I said 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" -- Paula
Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
a single file line from the smallest to the tallest. What is the
logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." -- Jack
Mayberry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
'Duh!'" -- Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
bought a congressman." -- Bruce Baum
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player." -- Marsha
Warfield
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else." -- Lily Tomlin
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight
years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew
Carey
"The ad in the paper said "Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." -- Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." -- Bill Maher
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day." -- Jay
Mohr
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her Dad." --
Christopher Case
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --
Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -- Ellen
DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75% of the population." -- David Letterman
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing
and spaghetti sauce... I thought he was missing." -- Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Blvd, He owes Sodom and Gomorrah an
apology." -- Jay Leno
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
-- Larry Miller
"If your parents never had any children, chances are you won't
either." -- Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision, I can date anybody." -- Gary Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward sunlight." - Rita
Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific." -- Lily Tomlin
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow
learner." - Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it." -- Steven Wright
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." -- Johnny Carson
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" -- John
Mendoza
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high.'" -- Bruce Baum
"If God dropped acid, would He see people?" -- Steven Wright
"I met a new girl at a barbeque, very pretty, a blond I think. I
don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was
herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire.' Me,
me, me. You know. 'Help me. Put me out.' Come on, could we talk
about me just a little bit?" -- Gary Shandling
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --
Paul Rodriguez
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" -- Lily Tomlin
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" -- Robin Williams
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end." -- Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying all the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." -- Richard Jeni
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid
down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes." -- Steven
Wright
"I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'" -- Emo Phillips
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