STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
Members of Congress....people of America......I banged her.
I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if
you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my
orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in DC I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno,
Albright,and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I
like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would
envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary . . . I do. If not
for the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into
farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the
President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
resident of some place called "Kennebunkport."
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,
smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San
Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution
to American society was Agent Orange.
And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't
hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic
for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of
the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The
budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one-gun salute
to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night
watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full
gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who
can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming
from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
your daughter, unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and
then I'd like to discuss it. |
