Great Reasons To Be a Guy:
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still by
your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you to truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking: "He must be mad at me".
Same work...more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress--$2,000. Tuxedo rental --$75.00
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with "So, notice anything
different?
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December
24th,in 45 minutes.
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You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer
when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because
they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you
landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL,
LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a
friend!
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Subtleties of the English language
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Similarly, through, though
and thought.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because
it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
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HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not have his head up his ass,
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy,
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars,
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated,
He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer,
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.
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