Oldies but goodies
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."
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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"
"Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
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A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs ... "Honey would you like some of this?" "Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor With a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes," he replied.
"Did you kill her?"
"Yes, he replied."
"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?"
"Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."
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The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."'
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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch. She is reflecting on her long life, when - all of a sudden -a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I've always wanted to be really rich."
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"And your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF*** There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and leans over close to her.
And then he whispers in her ear: "NOW I bet you're sorry you had me neutered..."
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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabrielle's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" |
