QUESTION 3a:
In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you,
the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following: "Are
there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
have realized that have helped to define you as a person?"
The applicant wrote:
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice with
my bare hands. I have been known to remodel train stations on my
lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike
trombone playing.
I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed, and I
cook thirty-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants.
I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for
disadvantaged families.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured NJ with a traveling centrifugal force
demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small
moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish
an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I
have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a
week. When I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge,
I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the
meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college. |
