I don't know how authentic this is - but it is funny:
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This is from an 'actual' newspaper contest where entrants
age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate 'Deep Thoughts' by Jack
Handey, a former Saturday Night Live skit.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
-- Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace
to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
-- Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's
birthday, like they do for the Queen. Of course, then we
would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3
or December 26, just for the long weekends.
-- Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote
-- Age 10
Home is where the house is.
-- Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
-- Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
-- Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
-- Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told
him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our
bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most
of us go to hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to
upset him.
-- Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think
to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates
about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder
at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that
I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,
and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements and I
show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches
and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the
rest of the night lighting farts.
-- Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But
he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
-- Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said 'Vrrrrmmmmm.'
Unless it was just a lawn mower.
-- Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.
I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that
is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the
lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there
was a big fire and everyone died.
-- Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours,
set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year,
you'll have a couple of days saved up.
-- Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank
my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted
number.
-- Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into
an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone
needed it, the blood would be right there.
-- Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then,
imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five
more than the biggest number you could come up with!
-- Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked,
except maybe 'Don't you think it is about time you audited
my return?' or 'Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning
when, in fact, I was speeding?'
-- Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who
had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he
really needed them, right?
-- Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
quiet it would be until the looting started.
-- Age 15
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Chip
coolhistory.com
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