[Edited somewhat for brevity]
You Know You're a Liberal If...
The following is from an article in the The Washington
Times, Monday, April 22, 1996 by Don Feder
What is a liberal? In election years, they're
particularly hard to find. Even the president and first
lady-who do the PC tango to the tune of "Blowin' in the
Wind"-shun the label.
Last week, Hillary guru and retro-New Leftist
Michael Lerner held a Summit on Ethics and Meaning
in D.C. Among other exotic proposals, the 1,300
delegates endorsed forcing businesses to give parents a
year of paid leave and replacing college SATs with
"empathy training."
Weird though they are, these people at least know
what they are. Many of the afflicted are ignorant of
their condition. For these unfortunates, we offer a
handy guide to political self-identification.
You know you're a liberal if:
You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape
pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones
is lying.
You hate Hillary jokes.
You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend
the killing of unborn children as an expression of
choice. You think trees have feelings, animals can
conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.
You are convinced that Frank Capra films and
Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but
"Platoon," "Dances with Wolves" and "Thelma and
Louise" are realistic. You thought Walt Disney was
saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie - until it
made "Pocahontas."
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning
of the school day constitutes government indoctrination
and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex
education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are
values-neutral.
You believe the National Rifle Association helps
criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union
protects the innocent.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand
makes even more sense.
You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet
Reno is totally hot.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but
government spending is too low and the American
people are undertaxed.
You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think marriage is obsolete - except for
homosexuals.
You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform
hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate
minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the Pope and
People for the American Way types who go psycho
over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of
democracy.
You think the black middle class is a myth created by
Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage
over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a
black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in
the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don't understand all of the whining about
affirmative action and are more than willing to
sacrifice someone else's employment or education
opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in
Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but
believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our
national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise
of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime
rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that
glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is
responsible for everything horrible that's happened in
the past quarter-century.
Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point of
this column. Don Feder is a nationally syndicated
columnist.
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-Uri Cummings |
