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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (10366)	6/20/1999 1:13:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A few new ones in with the oldies but goodies... Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers... My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. This is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (10366)	6/20/1999 1:17:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?” He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is her name?” He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.” There is a long pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?”

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (10366)	6/20/1999 1:43:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Training Courses for Men 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I 7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II 8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What “The offside rule” really is 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't fall under the “Action/Adventure” Category 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 22. “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”: Why Women Laugh 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 25. “I Don't Know”: Be the First Man to Say It! 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It