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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (10444)	6/23/1999 5:23:00 PM
From: Bob Bryenton	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

There was a small village in Mexico where 6 women had been murdered. They were quite unusual murders in that the women were found drowned in their bathtubs; they had been drowned in milk. The Policia had no leads but thought that the suspect was a cereal killer.

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (10444)	6/23/1999 5:28:00 PM
From: Bob Bryenton	Respond to of 62549

Forgive me if this offends you, but this would be up to par for my local paper... Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. DRUM ROLL And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared, [You're going to hate me for this]: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (10444)	6/23/1999 5:34:00 PM
From: Bob Bryenton	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Read it all... PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Eastern Orthodox Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone nun, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (10444)	6/25/1999 9:29:00 AM
From: Peter S. Maroulis	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "And, that would be?" "Well," the doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action." Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin over his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, flipped the napkinon the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can squeeze another roll up my ass!"