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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Carole Olkowski who wrote (10460)	6/24/1999 3:02:00 PM
From: Thomas Scharf	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A list of nevers: Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam" Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. -Winston Churchill Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. -Ruth Gordon Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.