To: Ilaine who wrote (29998 ) 6/25/1999 9:32:00 PM From: jpmac Read Replies (2) | Respond to
hmm.. I've never known a person who killed themselves because they were self-centered. I differintiate, because perhaps they were self-centered. But it's "their" life that they ended. I've heard suicide referred to as such, but is that not a bit self-centered of the living? To think that someone should endure the greatest of pains in order to "stay" with us? What could be worse from most people's perspective than to be dead when still "healthy"? No, the only people I've known that have ended their lives (and there have been several) did so out of complete desolation, a pain and lack of hope that is beyond most people's conception. I've felt it, been in the abyss when the thought that you can crawl out to where the rest of the world exists is inconceivable. And the effort, the work, the pure unmitigating pain is so intense that it hardly seems worth it. I've been blessed with people who helped, with people who were able to communicate that they were there and would be there when I got back. And part of why I came back is perhaps self-centered. I'm strong. I depend and rely on that fact. I revel in it. I will not be defeated. My attitude to the "whatever" that would have me die is to say "eff you, I won't. Go ahead and try and kill me. Take my dignity. Drive me to the bottom. Leave me sitting and staring into space for months without speaking. You won't win..." I'm stubborn. And I love the sunrise. It's something I wish I could give to those that can't find their way out. There's no pain worse than the blackness that envelopes you, destroys you one limb, one emotion, one shred of dignity at a time. You look at the people around you and see their faces, see the look in their eyes. Some of them understand. Most think you weak and wish you would stop complicating their lives. And many kill themselves to do just that. They don't believe they can beat "it" and want to put others, not only themselves, out of misery.
