Somebody had too much coffee ...
A Dissent on Starbucks by Jackie Mason
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that
means nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because there
are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop,
that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier:
$4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into
any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're
blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee
shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's
still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If
it's Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for
cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want.
Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same
price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60
cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier -
$9.50.
You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all
the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27
and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you:
"Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do you know
that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty.
Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee -
$350.
And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be
honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a
cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the
bottom of the pot.? But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh,
it's a blend. It's a blend." It's a special bean from Argentina....."
The bean is in your head.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have
these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a
chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are
climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get
to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people
around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me....."
Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging
Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all
over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no
waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip.
Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee
to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the
coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
It's all the same as Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a
cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get,
the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four
times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in
Starbucks? But a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a
building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At
Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie,
and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra.
Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream
cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it
on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you
$312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't
give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's
over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you
become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the
cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream
cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a
half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass
in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for ah hour,
and you owe him money.
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're
finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become
the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are
walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait,
I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll
open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of
60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only
that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll
clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished."
Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I
ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you
would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with
it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi bastard
son-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I
don't like to talk about people. |
