Young man: Father, I confess that I have just had sex with my girlfriend two weeks before we were due to get married.
Priest: Don't worry about it my son, many people have sex before marriage these days.
Young man: But I feel so guilty, I was determined to wait until we were married, but she was leaning over the freezer and I just couldn't resist.
Priest: It happens - don't worry about it.
Young man: So am I not barred from the church?
Priest: Of course not, you are welcome any time.
Young man: Well I'm barred from Piggley-Wiggley.
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"You might show me a little more respect." complained the coed as she and her date were driving back from "Lover's Lookout".
"Yeah ?" said the smirking boy, "Like by doing what ?"
"Well, for starters clown, not flying my panty hose from your radio antenna."
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Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
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There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."
She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks,
"Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said,
"No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
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Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed and immediately begins groping her.
She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."
So he sits up, folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better??"
She replies,"Much!"
To which he replies: "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy??
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An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One
day Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two
rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking
separate meals. We should just move in together.
Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.
Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and I'll do the dishes.
Betsy: What about sex?
Elmer: Infrequently.
Betsy: Is that one word or two?
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Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique
:"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
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Jean went to Michelle's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
Michelle asked "Well, what happened when you got there?"
Jean said, "The S.O.B. called me a slut!"
"What did you do then?" Michelle asked, shocked.
Jean said. "I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight friends with him!"
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The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
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The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
Reminiscing about their wayward youth, a former hippie asked a onetime flower child, "Say, were you ever picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I bet it'd hurt!"
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Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like - the recognition."
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Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids???" |
