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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Edwarda who wrote (10734)	7/17/1999 2:46:00 PM
From: Carole Olkowski	Respond to of 62581

* DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. I'd rather be rich than stupid.

To: Edwarda who wrote (10734)	7/18/1999 7:51:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62581

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Support your local Search and Rescue unit... Get lost! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I tested Viagra for the first time last night.. My wife saw me and said,,,"No, please, don't swallow it, just let it dissolve on your tongue" !!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and after a few drinks they went home together. After some more drinking and talking, they got undressed and climbed into bed. After a few minutes of making love, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her, "What's so funny?" "Your organ" she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt he replied "Well, it's not used to playing in cathedrals." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This little boy was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents' bedroom, so he decided to investigate. He nudged the door slowly forward and as he entered his parents' bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad screwing for all they were worth. "Dad! Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?" "It's OK son", replied his father, "Your mother wants to have another baby, that's all." The little boy was immediately excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, so he went straight back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother on her knees sucking furiously on his father's penis. "Dad! Dad!", he shouted, "What are you doing now?". "Son, there's been a slight change in plans," his dad replied. "Now she wants a BMW." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist,"I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?" The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4." "No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer. "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining,"PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide." "Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass and I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms with PESTICIDE on it!"