just a little humor ;-) on Starbucks by Jackie Mason
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that
> >
> > means nothing. People will pay 10x as much for Starbucks because there
> >
> > are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop,
> >
> > that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier:
> >
> > $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.
> >
> > Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into
> >
> > any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're
> >
> > blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee
> >
> > shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's
> >
> > still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If
> >
> > it's Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for
> >
> > cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want.
> >
> > Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same
> >
> > price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60
> >
> > cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier
> -
> >
> > $9.50.
> >
> > You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you
> all
> >
> > the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're
> 27
> >
> > and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging
> you:
> >
> > "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do you
> know
> >
> > that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty.
> >
> > Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee
> >
> > - $350.
> >
> > And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's
> be
> >
> > honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a
> >
> > cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the
> >
> > bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh,
> >
> > it's a blend." It's a blend? "It's a special bean from Argentina....."
> >
> > The bean is in your head.
> >
> > And there are no chairs in Starbucks. Instead, they have
> >
> > these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a
> >
> > chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews have to
> >
> > climb and climb to get to the top of the chair. And when they get
> >
> > to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people
> >
> > around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me,
> >
> >excuse me, excuse me....."
> >
> > Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging
> Gentiles,
> >
> >"Mister, could you get me off this?"
> >
> > Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods
> all
> >
> > over this country, people went to a cafeteria because there were no
> >
> > waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip.
> >
> > Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave
> coffee
> >
> > to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the
> >
> > coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
> >
> > It's all the same as Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a
> >
> > cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get,
> >
> > the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four
> >
> > times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in
> >
> > Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a
> >
> > building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At
> >
> > Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie,
> >
> > and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra.
> >
> > Do you know that if you buy a bagel in Starbucks, you pay extra
>
> for cream
> >
> > cheese? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it
> >
> > on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you
> >
> > $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They
> don't
> >
> > give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's
> >
> > over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you
> >
> > become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the
> >
> > cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream
> >
> > cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and
> a
> >
> > half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass
> >
> > in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour,
> >
> > and you owe him money.
> >
> > Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're
> >
> > finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy.
> >
> > You have to clean up the place. Old Jews are
> >
> > walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait,
> >
> > I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
> >
> > If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll
> >
> > open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of
> 60
> >
> > cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only
> >
> > that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no waiter, no busboy, and you'll
> >
> > clean up for 20 minutes after you're finished."
> >
> > Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business
> I
> >
> > ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you
> >
> > would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with
> >
> > it because they have French titles for everything, the Nazi bastards
> >
> > sons-of-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I
>
> > don't like to talk about people.
>
>
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