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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/8/1999 2:51:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH

AMEN, I can appreciate that thought. :=)))

Barney



To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/8/1999 2:53:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
EXACTLY what is a BITCH ???
> > B- Babe
> > I - In
> > T - Total
> > C - Control of
> > H - Herself
> >
> > So ladies, next time someone calls you a BITCH.
> > Smile and say .................. " Why, thank you"



To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/8/1999 3:02:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and
one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.



To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/8/1999 3:04:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
Subject: Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it
down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are
not quests to see if we can find the perfect
present once again.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer you don't want
to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.
Live with it.
7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,
and carberators.
8. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport.
10. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but
don't expect us to like it.
14. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't
work.
15. No, we don't know what day it is. We never
will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
16. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult
than peeing from point blank range. We're
bound to miss sometimes.
17. Most guys own two to three pairs of
shoes-what makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?
18. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable
answers.
19. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a
problem. See a doctor.
20. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best
friend.
21. Films starring Barbara Streisand are for
Girls Night Out.
22. Check your oil.
23. Don't give us rules.
24. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than
deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
take the quiz together.
26. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is
inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
28. If something we said can be interpreted
two ways, and one of the ways makes you
sad and angry, we meant the other one.
31. You can either ask us to do something OR
tell us how you want it done - not both.
32. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
33. Christopher Columbus didn't need
directions, and neither do we.




To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/8/1999 3:06:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.




To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/9/1999 11:29:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
A teacher is reviewing her class' homework assignment. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."

Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light"

The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get older, you're in for a big disappointment"



To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/9/1999 11:33:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
A woman's car breaks down on the Interstate, so the driver eases over on to the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly."Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.

(Here it comes.)
.
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.
(Are you ready?)
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..
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.
"These are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde!




To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/9/1999 11:35:00 AM
From: Barney  Respond to of 2380
 
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her
side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed
down his face. Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she
insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I
must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake.

"It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake,
that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned.
I know all about it", he sobbed. --- "Why else would I
poison you?




To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/9/1999 11:51:00 AM
From: Barney  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 2380
 
Every evening
As I'm laying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running thru my head

God bless my mom and dad
And bless my little pup
And look out for my brother
When things aren't looking up

And God, there's one more thing
I wish that you could do
Hope ya don't mind me asking
But please bless my 'puter too??

Now I know that's not normal
To bless a mother board
But just listen a second
While I explain to you, my Lord

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest hundreds of my 'BEST FRIENDS'

Some it's true I've never seen
And most I've never met
We've never exchanged hugs
Or shared a meal as yet....

I know for sure they like me
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
I share in what life brings them
From that our friendship grew
"PLEASE" take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal
That's filled with so much love!



To: Susie924 who wrote (1387)8/9/1999 12:23:00 PM
From: Barney  Read Replies (2) | Respond to of 2380
 
INTERESTING - GIVE IT A TRY

I scored a 39

Grab a pencil and paper and keep track of your letter
answers.

1. When do you feel your best?
(a) In the morning
(b) During the afternoon and early evening
(c) Late at night

2. You usually walk
(a) fairly fast, with long steps
(b) fairly fast, but with short,quick steps
(c) less fast, head up, looking the world in the face
(d) less fast, head down
(e) very slowly

3. When talking to people, you
(a) stand with your arms folded
(b) have your hands clasped
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are
talking
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or
smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with
(a) your knees bent and your legs neatly side by
side
(b) your legs crossed
(c) your legs stretched out or straight
(d) with one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with
(a) a big, appreciative laugh
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one
(c) a quiet chuckle
(e) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for
someone you know
(c) make quietest possible entrance and try to
stay unnoticed

7. You are working hard, concentrating hard.
You are interrupted. You:
(a) welcome the break
(b) feel extremely irritated
(c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you
like most?
(a) red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few
moments before going to sleep, you lie:
(a) stretched out on your back
(b) stretched out face down on your stomach
(c) on your side, slightly curled
(d) with your head on one arm
(e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are:
(a) falling
(b) fighting or struggling
(c) searching for something or somebody
(d) flying or floating
(e) You usually have a dreamless sleep
(f) Your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2
(b) 4
(c) 6

2. (a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 7
(d) 2
(e) 1

3. (a) 4
(b) 2
(c) 5
(d) 7
(e) 6

4. (a) 4
(b) 6
(c) 2
(d) 1

5. (a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 3
(d) 5
(e) 2

6. (a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 2

7. (a) 6
(b) 2
(c) 4

8. (a) 6
(b) 7
(c) 5
(d) 4
(e) 3
(f) 2
(g) 1

9. (a) 7
(b) 6
(c) 4
(d) 2
(e) 1

10. (a) 4
(b) 2
(c) 3
(d) 5
(e) 6
(f) 1

Add the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with care."
You are seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant.
Others may admire you and wish they could be more like you,
but they don't always trust you and hesitate to become too
deeply involved with you.

FROM 51 TO 60 POINTS:
Your friends see you as an exciting, highly volatile,
rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to
make decisions (though not always the right ones). They
see you as bold and venturesome, someone who will try
anything once; someone who takes a chance and enjoys an
adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of
the excitement you radiate.

FROM 41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing,
practical, and always interesting; someone who is
constantly the center of attention, but sufficiently
well-balanced not to let it go to your head.
They see you also as kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who will cheer them up and help them out.

FROM 31 TO 40 POINTS:
Other people see you as sensible, cautious, careful, and
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented,
but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly
or too easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to the
friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in
return. Those who really get to know you realize that
it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but,
equally, that it takes you a long time to get over it if
that trust is broken.

FROM 21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see
you as very, very cautious and extremely careful, a slow
and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you
ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.
They expect you to examine everything carefully from every
side and then, usually decide against it. They think this
reaction on your part is caused partly by your careful
nature and partly by laziness.

UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive,
someone who needs to be looked after, who always wants
someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want
to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you
as a worrier, who sees problems that don't exist.
Some people think you're boring. Only the people who
know you well know that you aren't.