An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him
says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"
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Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
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A highly anal-retentive woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the seventeenth mattress she had considered, she suddenly cut a horrendous fart. "Exuse me," she said, embarassed, to the clerk who was helping her.
"Hey, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price on that one, you'll shit!."
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On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Bessie, the bride left the bathroom to find Moe, the bridegroom, with his prayer book in front of the bed. "So what are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance" answered the religious young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
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A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices anelderly man standing amongst the throng.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man...."But it's startin' to twitch."
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Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying.
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Q. What is a man's idea of safe sex? A. A padded head board.
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Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women? A. Exchange him.
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Q. But do you know what 6.9 is? A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
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A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started.
"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."
"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and
lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
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Divorce: The fucking you get for the fucking you got.
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"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
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Q: Did you hear about the Polish car pool? A: They all meet at work.
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Classified Ads
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
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Two gay guys were eating in a restaurant and had rice pudding for dessert. The first one said, "Mmm, that was good!" and asked the waiter for another serving.
The waiter turned to kitchen and said, "Joe, come again on the rice pudding."
The second gay says to the first,, "See, I told you!!"
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Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second homosexual, so the first promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "you look ten years younger!"
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Two gays are walking down Market street in San Francisco when they spot a stud muffin coming their way."I hear he is a great fuck," says one. "No shit?" says the other.
"Well," replies the first, "just a little once in a while."
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All stressed out and no one to choke.
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A cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he came to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection. "What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
The cowboy says, "Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?"
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!" The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket. Don't tell me....you're telling time also?"
Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
The cowboy says, "Okay smartass, what time is it?"
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4 o'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking. A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. "Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!!" |
