Lawyer Joke Emporium
What Is a Lawyer?
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
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"Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession."
--Anonymous
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Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
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Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think she's a lawyer.
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Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors.
Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
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There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
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Q: How does a pregnant woman know she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
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"Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief."
--Franz Kafka
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I used to wonder why so many lawyers wore turtleneck shirts.
Turns out I had it all wrong.
Lawyers don't wear turtlenecks-- they're just uncircumcised!
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"Personally, I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer." --Will Rogers
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
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Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
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A small town that can't support one lawyer can always support two.
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"The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer."
--Will Rogers
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"Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law."
--Ambrose Bierce
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable."
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"There are three sorts of lawyers--able, unable and lamentable."
--Robert Smith Surtees
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A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.
The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.
The lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest.
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Q: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
A: Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
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"Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others."
--James Gibbons Haneker
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Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
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A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said.
"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.
"I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor."
"We have enough advisors," the contractor said.
By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk."
"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks."
With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow."
"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."
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A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden."
"I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?"
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Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
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Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
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Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (oui, both are avocat in French...)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need--but you can't understand a word of it.
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At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, "It's obvious that the left one is phony!" The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, "Why, it's easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity."
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"Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good...even when they try."
--Charles E. Sherman
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