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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11034)	8/11/1999 2:21:00 PM
From: Elmer Flugum	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Stupid People of the Day And some, not so stupid... I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away. Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed here. The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day. I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change. ~~~~~~~~~~~

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11034)	8/12/1999 9:24:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

The Top 12 Signs You've Invested in a Bad Internet Company 12> CEO stops by to use your computer because his electricity's been turned off again. 11> Company made solely up of former AARP executives. (Editor's note: American Associatiion of Retired People) 10> Merrill Lynch just downgraded the stock from "Sell" to "Tax Write-Off." 9> Your profits? 404 -- Not Found 8> Prospectus states: "YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE A STOCKHOLDER!" 7> Their big idea: eHaircuts 6> Their Lead Programmer is reasonably attractive & has 20/20 vision. 5> IPO consists of 12 shares and a free CD and is underwritten by MC Hammer. 4> At shareholder meeting you're asked to wear a mouse pad as a name tag. 3> In "Pirates of Silicon Valley", company CEO was played by that "Ernest" guy. 2> Their price-to-earnings ratio is higher than Marion Barry in a DEA evidence room. 1> Good: Team of young, enthusiastic go-getters; Bad: IPO's financial goal was $57.45 to "repay Tommy's mom."

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11034)	8/12/1999 9:25:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Respond to of 62549

I saw a beggar who was so broke that he was standing on the corner shouting as the cars went by... "WILL WORK FOR CARDBOARD AND A MAGIC MARKER!"

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11034)	8/16/1999 10:52:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Respond to of 62549

Subject: Virus Alert!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11034)	8/18/1999 8:49:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Subject: T-Shirt Sayings -Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad -I Used Up All My Sick Days...So I Called In Dead -Husband and Cat Lost...Reward for Cat -Husbands Should Come With Instructions -Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time -Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same -I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man...I've Been Practicing Since 1949 -Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton -A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic -Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up -My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... ...He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse -My Dog Can Lick Anyone -Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups -The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley -I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling -That Was Zen; This Is Tao -Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word -Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs -I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days -When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS -Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm Rich Enough to Be a Republican -Disregard Last T-Shirt -I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I'm Gonna Get -Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional -I'm Not 50--I'm 18 with 32 Years Experience -Goodbye Tension... Hello Pension