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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Carole Olkowski who wrote (11103)	8/19/1999 8:04:00 AM
From: John Carragher	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

I got these a week ago I hope not from here<g> If so skip GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED 1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires. 5. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts. 6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. 9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.================================================ THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T! And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? >> > Do I look like a people person? >>> This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. >> > I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. >> > Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. >> > If I throw a stick, will you leave? >> > You!... Off my planet! >> > Does your train of thought have a caboose? >> > Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. >> > A PBS mind in an MTV world. >> > Allow me to introduce my selves. >> > Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. >> > Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. >> > See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. >> > Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. >> > I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. >> > A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. >> > Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. >> > Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? >> > Too many freaks, not enough circuses. >> > Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? >> > Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. >> > How do I set a laser printer to stun? >> > I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. ================================================ REAL HOUSEHOLD TIPS.... Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle-perfect shaped pancakes every time. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top-skillet will be much easier to clean now. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces-no more stains. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up". Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for weeks. Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface, throw it away. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go. Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area - instant relief. Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march- see for yourself. Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leave a lovely smell to the shine. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. NOW Look what you can do with Alka Seltzer: Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water. If your VCR has a year setting on it, which most do, you will not be able to use the programmed recording feature after 12/31/99. Don't throw it away.Instead set it for the year 1972 as the days are the same as the year 2000. The manufacturers won't tell you. They want you to buy a newY2k VCR. Pass this along to all your friends ==========================================

To: Carole Olkowski who wrote (11103)	8/20/1999 10:09:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of you whip out your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did. Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks, I'll just have some of the buffet." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?" The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of their small town and start necking. After awhile the guy abruptly stops. "You know we've been doing this for weeks now and I think it's time we had intercourse," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides, all those people in the field may hear us." The boy pauses and then says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good, start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing!" The girl agrees, so the two hastily take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later, people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing. "Mooooooooo ..... Moooooooo ...... Moooooon River .......!"