Hi KC, A little OT humor for the evening:
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Next
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, filled with menace, he said "Look, I don't know where this questioning is leading, but if either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Next
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
Next
When Yossi gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town an nobody really bothered him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? And why?" And to make it interesting she held up a twenty dollar bill and said "Who ever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars."
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Yossi raised his hand.
So the teacher called on Yossi. "Yes Yossi, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And Yossi said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Yossi," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Yossi should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Yossi the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. And so she asked Yossi why he said Jesus.
Yossi said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived; but... business is business."
Have a nice evening,
Roy |
