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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/23/1999 9:27:00 PM
From: John Carragher	Respond to of 62558

>Once upon a time there lived a king who had a beautiful daughter. >Everything the girl touched, would melt. No matter what - metal, wood, >plastic, stone etc. Everything she touched would melt!! > >Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry >her. One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one >thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured." > >The king was overjoyed by the thought and the next day he announced a >competition - any man that could bring his daughter an object that would >not melt, would get to marry her and inherit the king's wealth. > >Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a >huge diamond, thinking that since the diamond is the hardest jewel it >would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! > >The second prince brought a very hard alloy, but the same thing >happened.....so he too went away. > >The third prince said to the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and >feel it." The princess did as she was told, though turning red. Ta >da........it did not melt!! > >The king was thrilled and the third prince lived happily ever after with >the princess............ > >QUESTION: What was the object? (scroll down for the answer) > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . > . >ANSWER: M & M Chocolates.......... they melt in your mouth >not in your hand (what were you thinking it was?)

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 7:06:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GRANDMA'S GONE? In the dim and distant past When life's tempo wasn't so fast. Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and baby sit When the kids were in a jam, They could always call on Gram. But today she's in the gym Exercising to keep slim. She's checking the web or surfing the net, Sending some e-mail or placing a bet. Nothing seems to stop or block her, Now that Grandma's off her rocker. >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grandma's On The Internet Grandma's on the internet You won't believe the nuts she's met But what she'd really like to know Is where are those who quilt and sew And do the things she likes to do? She'd give them hints, and learn some too. She used to be “scared” of a wee little mouse Would scream if one ever got in the house. Now she hugs one night and day She'd rather cuddle it than stay On the couch and watch t.v. Her first love now is her P.C. She'd like to see it all unfurled So much to learn in this new world. She could explore it from her chair But mostly, she plays solitaire But that's o.k. she doesn't care About the weather in Zaire. Windows were glass she'd wash and look through Now they are programs to help her view The earth and the sea and the beautiful sky A virus was something from which you could die Now it's a nuisance that could spoil your day, But it can be fixed and sent on its way. She served her time with diapers and dishes, Now she can do whatever she wishes. And if that means staying up half the night To point arrows at icons-that's really all right. A bit was something you had little of, Now it takes eight bytes to make the above It's all so confusing, it makes her head ache. A byte was something you take from a cake. She's learning more about it now Her four year old grandchild showed her how.

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 7:24:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, “I'd give anything to sink this next putt.” A stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, “Okay,” and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” The golfer says, “Certainly!” He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.” “Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name's... Father O'Malley.”

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 7:36:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance, welcoming them to the ladies room. “Be sure to check out our newest feature, a Magic Mirror,” she said. “If you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!” The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, “I think I'm the most beautiful of us three,” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said, “I think I'm the most talented of us three,” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think...” and was promptly sucked into the mirror!

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 7:45:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

HMO Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities.” St. Peter said, “You can enter.” The second doctor said, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves.” St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, “I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care.” St. Peter said, “You can come in too.” But, as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, “You can only stay three days. After that you can go to hell.”

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 7:54:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

Trivia The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness is 28%; percentage of North America that is wilderness is 38%. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P. No NFL team that plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again 80% The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita Hong Kong Barbie's measurements if she were life size 39-23-33 Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven is $6,400 Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour is 61,000. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The youngest pope was 11 years old. First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades -King David Clubs- Alexander the Great Hearts- Charlemagne Diamonds- Julius Caesar If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression “to get fired.” Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. The term “the whole 9 yards” came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got “the whole 9 yards.” The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without still being able to make change for a dollar. The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.” How about this... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores (“Ring around the rosey...”), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores (“...a pocket full of posies...”). People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease “...ashes, ashes, we all fall down!”). Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession Q. What do more women do in the bathroom than men? A. Wash their hands. Women - 80% Men - 55% Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”? A. One thousand Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. Q. On what day are more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day Q. What separates “60 Minutes,” on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 8:00:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. “WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.” “No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?” Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.” “Done” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the Great Wizard?” Up steps George Bush sadly, “I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.” “I've heard it's true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?” “Is Dorothy around?”

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 8:04:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter: Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and “screwdrivers.” Sincerely, I. Getscrewed Everyear

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 8:06:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

Subject: Surprise! A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, “Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing.” Her daughter says, “Mom, I got married.” “Oy, mazel tov,” says the mother. “How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?” “He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you.” “What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law.” The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position. The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, “Dummy, Stupid, Idiot..... I said a RICH doctor!”

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 8:11:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

Subject: Dear Abby Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he deniedeverything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol (Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.) Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering (Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.) Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie (Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.)

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 8:16:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad.This continued until they were ready to start school. The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together. The mothers comforted with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day. The children did so every day. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day and the boy, startled, said, ‘That's not chicken salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff??' To which the girl replied, ‘This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore.' Boy: ‘Why not??' Girl: ‘Because I'm growing feathers.' Boy: ‘You are not!!' Girl: ‘Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad anymore!!' Boy: ‘I don't believe you, let me see.' Girl: ‘I can't show you my feathers.' Boy: ‘I don't believe you.' So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows him her feathers. Boy: ‘My, my, oh my!! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life.' Well, every day, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch. The girl, sniffing, exclaimed: ‘That's not chicken salad!! You said you were going to eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural life. What IS that stuff??' To which the boy responded: ‘Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad anymore. I'm growing feathers, too!! Girl: ‘Let me see.' Boy: ‘Oh, no!! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers.' Girl: ‘I showed you mine.' Boy: ‘Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours.' They went around the building and he dropped his pants. The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed: ‘You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!!!

To: The Philosopher who wrote (11182)	8/26/1999 8:45:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

Got this in an e-mail--simple truth? Subject: Long story, Simple truth. Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth,smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted (pull my finger !!) and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is he moral of this story? THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY... UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH >>