Way, Way OFF TOPIC....but too funny to keep to myself!
There is nothing I enjoy more than a well crafted practical joke, but only if no one gets hurt. Some of you may get a kick out of this true little tale as well. Just happened tonight.
Couple nights a week, I pass some of the wee hours down at a local coffee shop telling and listening to lies with some of the other weird night people. Thelma and Sue, the waitresses, have between them a collection of dirty jokes that sometimes make me blush. Big Sam and Little Whiskey drive their cabs and have always got a fare or two that are worth either a laugh or a raised eyebrow. Then there's Fluff who doesn't speak but has facial expressions you can't miss reading, and very pretty Ana with a leg brace threatens to take it off and club the next guy who doesn't watch his step, and "Officer" O'Brien who packs a pistol while he guards the lobby of a local apartment complex always has some kind of "lobby war" story to tell. And Tom, the cook, who takes cigarette breaks and contributes a laugh or two with the customers. Tom's hair is shoulder length, never neat, and never netted....and who during any lull in the conversation...gets ribbed about it mercilessly by any one of a dozen or more night characters who will tell him he needs a haircut. Last is Rooster, so named because he raises birds, a chunky little Eastern European with a slight accent he learned as a child and never lost.
Well, Tom wants to buy a bird from Rooster. Always wanted a "nice parrot" and for some time now he's been bugging Rooster about it. Rooster keeps telling him that maybe one day, but he's got to know how to keep a bird. So Rooster, about six months ago, gives him a book about living with a bird, tells him to read it over and over, and he quizzes Tom from time to time about bird health, feeding, cleaning, don't feed him apples unless you remove the seeds, gotta spend time with your bird because they want and need personal attention....Rooster is particular about who gets his birds....gotta know what he's getting into, don't want nobody killing my birds, he tells Tom. Tom studies the book like he's facing a final exam and orals. Goes to the library to get more books, studies, studies, studies.
Finally, about a week ago, Rooster agrees to sell Tom his favorite young hand raised parrot if Tom's got $700. "I could get a lot more because this one already talks, but I'll give you a deal because you're a friend." Tom says he will have it in about a week, so tonight's the night, and the $700 changes hands. Rooster carefully counts the money, then leaves with it and about 30 minutes later returns with an absolutely magnificent cage, inside of which is a very beautiful multi-colored bird that keeps repeating Hello"..."Hello"... "Hello". Tom is just overjoyed, can't get over how nice the bird looks, his pleasant voice, that the cage is included. Sue asks is the restaurant is too cold for the bird, and Rooster agrees absolutely. Parrots are tropical, they don't like this air conditioning, so you better not keep it here. Rooster, why don't you take it back home and give it to Tom later, when his shift is over, says Sue. Tom says no, doesn't want to give it back to Rooster, "he's got my money, I got my bird", so he tells Sue and Thelma that he's going to take the bird home and will be right back, and would they sub in the kitchen for 15 minutes. Sure, go ahead, just take care you go easy over the speed bumps Rooster tells him. Birds don't travel like dogs. Birds don't like surprises, don't take well to being knocked off their perch. Tom nods, he'll be real careful, leaves, and no sooner has the door closed behind him that the laughter begins between Sue and Rooster. Seems Rooster has taught the bird something more than "Hello," and he's spent six months doing it, driving over speed bumps.
About ten minutes later, Tom is back and so is the bird, and Tom isn't at all happy, demands his money back, ready to strangle the bird and then go to work on Rooster. Seems that every time he drives over a speed bump, that magnificent little parrot tells him, "You need a haircut"...."You need a haircut." Haven't laughed this hard in years. I'll have sore stomach muscles for days after tonight.
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