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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11288)	8/30/1999 6:24:00 PM
From: HarperLee	Read Replies (9) \| Respond to of 62549

OK fellow jokesters, I need your help. My paramedic class has to bring in as many phrases as possible referring to death. Such as, "kicked the bucket", "croaked", "bought the farm" etc. So, if you know of any unique ones, please post them here before tomorrow night. Thanks for any help you can give me. Harper

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11288)	9/2/1999 8:43:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT WATCHING THE MOVIES * During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. * All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. * It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. * Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving. * The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. * If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now. * You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. * The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. * A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. * If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. * All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. * If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade.....at any time of the year. * When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. * Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. * Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. * If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. * Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. * Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them. * Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. * The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job. * A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium. * It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations. * Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. * All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. * It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. * A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. * Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. * It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. * When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. * No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. * Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. * Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. * An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. * Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. * When a woman or child is fleeing a monster or attacker, she will trip on nothing five times in 10 feet.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (11288)	9/2/1999 8:50:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Respond to of 62549

Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival: On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." Rich Jeni "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." Franck Dubosc I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Gary Valentine (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" Francois Morency "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" Rich Jeni "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Jimmy Shubert "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Rich Jeni "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." Ken Scott "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is." Lenny Clarke "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Ren Hicks "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" Jeff Green "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Emo Philips "My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my president get head." Elon Gold "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Kevin James "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Emo Philips "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Rich Jeni