"Airline Flight Attendant Announcements"
From: JBurke6936
Newsgroups: misc.transport.trucking
Sent: Monday, August 30, 1999 9:53 PM
Subject: Re: Jokes
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples of actual announcements that have been
heard or reported...
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
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After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
***********************************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
***********************************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
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Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
the rest of the flight."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
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"Last one off the plane must clean it."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight...!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot,
"what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land... Or were we shot
down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
***********************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways."
*************************************************
I feel compelled to add a comment made to me by a member of the cockpit
crew as I departed after a very bumpy ride. He grinned and said, "you'd pay a
lot of money at an amusement park for a ride like that." |
