1999 Darwin Awards Finalists:
For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin
Awards, these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those
individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves
from it.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use
"occy" straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee
jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police
said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major
trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July
holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real
problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a
several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly
enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They
were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250
yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a
lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed
for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum
bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide
(crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless
to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the
lightning strike with minor burns.
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend
were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from
here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much information was available on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by
his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking"
when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that
in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the
smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter* like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician who was
suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by
his peers.
KRAZY-GLUE RHINO
Although he didn't kick the bucket (hence runner-up), the following story
receives an Honorable Mention. A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found
himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock
African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia,
Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He
demonstrated the effectiveness of Crazy Glue the hard way. Apparently,
Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put
about three ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly
placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of
the zoo for the past 13 years, was not initially startled as it has been
part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it
became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic
and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended
passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been
very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to
relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James
Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade, two fences were destroyed, a
shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during
the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for
Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands
from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down.
However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth
was repeatedly showered with more than 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It
was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our
faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth
was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people
with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Demuth. We were able
to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,"
said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a
while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were
impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my
children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir
Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
Even though the cleaning lady in this story didn't die (another runner-up
because she doesn't qualify), she greatly aided several in hastening their
trip to see the Almighty. "For several months, our nurses have been baffled
to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman
for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There
was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the
air conditioning system and a search for possible bacterial infection
failed to reveal any clues. "However, further inquiries have now revealed
the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning
lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life
support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go
about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the
life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now
dead. She could not, after all, hear the death rattle and eventual solid
beep over the whirring of her polisher. We are sorry, and have sent a
strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health
and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra
socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is
now closed." |
