Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11396)	9/5/1999 9:24:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are on a corner discussing dinner when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence and make it sound good can go out with me. " So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese," She says, "Not too creative." The Chihuahua, with his Mexican accent, jumps in and says, "Liver alone....cheese mine!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was recently hired at the office.Her first task was to go out and get coffee for everyone. Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos so that the counterman could view it, and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!", the blonde sighed in relief, "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11396)	9/7/1999 9:15:00 AM
From: JakeStraw	Respond to of 62549

An old man, known to be very miserly, called his local newspaper to place an obituary notice for his recently deceased wife. He told the woman taking the ad that he wanted to have only two words in the notice: "Becky died". The woman told him that he could use up to six words with punctuation and it would cost exactly the same as two words. The man thought for a few seconds and said, "Becky died. For sale, 1991 Volvo".

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11396)	9/9/1999 11:37:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” The husband says “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.” The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband says,” no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife's face goes blank. “No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11396)	9/11/1999 2:25:00 PM
From: Neenny	Respond to of 62549

<< THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to. another option is to eat over the kitchen sink and use the garbage disposal!! Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 9: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only SECRET TIP 10: LIGHTING The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds SECRET TIP 11: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Time: 0 SECRET TIP 12: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 13: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home. >>