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Pastimes : Happy Hour: A thread for not so intelligent discussions -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1618)	9/11/1999 9:24:00 AM
From: Susie924	Respond to of 2380

Enough is Enough ---------------- "Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred." The judge looked at the defense table and said, "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies." The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life." Waving his finger, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer."

To: Barney who wrote (1618)	9/12/1999 3:15:00 PM
From: Susie924	Respond to of 2380

Now I'm the one posting a blonde joke! Go figure! Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

To: Barney who wrote (1618)	9/12/1999 3:34:00 PM
From: Susie924	Read Replies (4) \| Respond to of 2380

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......But he pulled through. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness-after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said ... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.