To: JF Quinnelly who wrote (38878 ) 9/29/1999 12:32:00 AM From: jpmac Read Replies (4) | Respond to
It's in the works. I'm assuming at this point that I still have a contract and insurance after Thursday and then I'll take the next step. I got in really bad shape (the regular is "I hurt like hell" and the eyes start to sting as you walk home and you fall onto the bed holding your arm and wait to go to sleep, the really bad is when it takes all your will not to drop to your knees, holding the arm and crying in front of everyone on the street) so I went to my doc (who it turns out does adjustments) to get popped and talk about an MRI. He was thinking it was some new problem or I was a wuss or something. I was getting frustrated as he was talking about this step and that before an MRI. I held out my left hand, said it's been going on for 25 years. He squeezed my hand and looked almost pityingly at me. He said he'd refer me to a specialist who could okay the MRI but that there'd be no problem. "you can't fake a wasted hand", he said. You weren't around when I'd just gone to him and went off about it, I don't think. I asked if surgery was a real possibility and he said yes. I told him I'd only think about it if there was a chance I'd lose the use of the arm altogether. He said, "oh, there is". And I do know how weak it is, and how atrophied my hand is. I honestly don't understand how it works as well as it does now. Most days it's like dragging a dead body part along with me. So, yeah, it is in the works. And I'm trying hard to believe it's possible to do something about it. I've always felt I only had my mind between losing it and not, that that's all I had. I've worked so hard to be strong and to make my arm work that it almost (does) scare me to think of relief, surgery, something to make it better that didn't depend on my will. I've been in pain for 25 something years. Those rare good days when I feel like *other* people are strange to me. I love them, but I don't get them and I know it won't last. Your friend must have been high as a kite today. I hope it works for him for a long time.
