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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: Neenny who wrote (11844)10/5/1999 10:39:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62572
 
Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two: one to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.



To: Neenny who wrote (11844)10/5/1999 10:48:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62572
 
Just found this in my e-mail and wanted to share:

Subject: Fwd: Long but funny joke

One day while walking down the street a
highly
successful executive woman was tragically
hit by a bus > >
and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where
she > > was
met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter.
“Before
you get
settled in though, it seems we have a
problem. You see, > >
strangely enough, we've never once had an
executive
make it this far and we're not really
sure
what to do > >
with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the
woman. > >
“Well, I'd like to, but I have higher
orders. What
we're going to do is let you have a day
in
Hell and a
day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you > >
want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I've made up my
mind...I
prefer to > >
stay in Heaven”, said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules...” And with that
St.
Peter put
the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down > >
to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a
beautiful golf > >
course. In the distance was a country club and
standing > > in
front of her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with and
they were all > >
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They
ran > > up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about >
old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and >
at night
went to the country club where she enjoyed an > >
excellent steak
and lobster dinner. She met the Devil
who was actually a really nice guy (kinda
cute) and she > >
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She
was
having such a good time that before she
knew
it, it was > >
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved
good- > >
bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened
back
up at the
Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting
for
her. “Now > >
it's time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So
she
spent the next 24 hours lounging around
on
clouds and > >
playing the harp and singing. She had a great time
and > >
before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter
came
and got her.

“So, you've spent a day in hell and
you've
spent a day > >
in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said. > >
The woman paused for a second and then
replied, “Well, > >
I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
been > >
really great and all, but I think I had a better time
in
Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator
and again she > >
went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors
of the > >
elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
Filth. She > >
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking
up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The
Devil came > >
up to her and put his arm around her. “I don't
understand,” stammered the woman,
“yesterday
I was here > >
and there was a golf course and a country club and
we
ate lobster and we danced and had a great
time. Now all > >
there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends
look > >
miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled.
“Yesterday we were > >
recruiting you; today you're staff!”



To: Neenny who wrote (11844)10/5/1999 11:14:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 62572
 
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved the green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.



To: Neenny who wrote (11844)10/5/1999 11:20:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62572
 
The Paradox of our Time - by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller
buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways,
but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less;
we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger
houses and smaller families; more conveniences,
but less time; we have more degrees,but less
sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts,
but more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late,
get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions,
but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living,
but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air,but polluted the soul.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information to
produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall
men,and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure,
but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick
trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands,
overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet,
to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the
stockroom; a time where technology can bring this letter to you, and a
time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit
delete.