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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11934)10/12/1999 8:42:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62550
 
You might be a Bostonian if......

1) If you think of Philadelphia as the “deep south”.
2) You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
3) You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet(no R).
4) You think three straight days of 90+ is a heat wave.
5) All your pets are named after Celtic hall of famers.
6) You refer to six inches of snow as a “dusting”.
7) Just hearing the words “New York” puts you in an angry frenzy.
8) You don't think you have an attitude.
9) You know the significance of 1918.
10) Everything in town is “a five-minute walk”.
11) When out of town, you think the natives of the area you're visiting are all whacked.
12) If you still can't bear to watch highlights from game six of the 1986 World Series
13) You have no idea what the word compromise means.
14) You've never used your blinker while driving.
15) You don't realize that you talk twice as fast as everyone else.
16) You're anal, neurotic, spasmatic & stubborn.
17) You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
18) You think $15 to park is a bargain.
19) Your favorite adjective is “wicked”.
20) You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
21) You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.
22) You don't own a hunting rifle, and you certainly don't know how to hunt.




To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11934)10/12/1999 8:44:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62550
 
She was soooooooo Blonde that......

...She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...She thought a quarterback was a refund.

...She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

...She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

...She thought General Motors was in the Army.

...She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

...She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...Under “education” on job applications she puts”Hooked on Phonics”.

...She tried to drown a fish.

...She tripped over the cordless phone.

...She stared at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate.”

...She got stabbed in a shoot out.

...She asked me to meet her at the corner of”WALK” and “DON'T WALK”.

...They had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade.

...On applications that say “Sign Here” she puts”Libra”.

...She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

...It takes her 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes'.

...She studied for a blood test and failed.

...She tried to buy tokens to get on to “Soul Train”.

...At the movies when she saw under 17 not admitted she
went out and got 16 friends.

...When she heard 90% of accidents happen at home she moved.

...When she missed the #44 bus She took the #22 bus twice instead.

...When the sign read Airport Left she turned around and went home.

...She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.



To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11934)10/12/1999 8:48:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62550
 
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted rest and relaxation, and had made it to Southampton, England, to board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, “Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired.” The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, “Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate.”

Without warning, the soldier leaned over, picked up the little dog, and tossed it out the window of the moving train. Then, he sat down in the empty seat next to the speechless woman.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle, motioned and remarked, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”



To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11934)10/12/1999 8:56:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62550
 
Marriage....

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

Woman to marriage counselor: “The only thing my husband and I have in
common is that we were married on the same day.”

The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get
married.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Are you living a life of quiet desperation, or are you married?

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an
institution?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no use to your spouse.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

It is difficult to tell who gives some couples the most happiness, the
minister who marries them or the judge who divorces them.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

Besides “I love you,” what three words does a wife want to hear most?
”I'll fix it.”

What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversay? Get married on his birthday.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo ...



To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11934)10/12/1999 9:05:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62550
 
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

The Italian says, “My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive
then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.”

The Frenchman says, “I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we
made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.”

The Jew says, “I covered my wife's body with schmaltz [chicken fat].
We made love and she screamed for six hours.”

The others say, “SIX hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?”
He shrugs. “I wiped my hands on the drapes.



To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (11934)10/12/1999 9:10:00 AM
From: Edwarda  Respond to of 62550
 
Some of these are reruns, but they still make me laugh:

The Wit and Wisdom of George Carlin:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where's the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22 Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?


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