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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Carragher who wrote (12063)	10/18/1999 8:52:00 AM
From: John Carragher	Respond to of 62552

How do crazy people go through the forest? - They take the psychopath. How do you get holy water? - Boil the hell out of it. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroid's. What do prisoners use to call each other? - Cell phones. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? - A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - Nacho cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? - Subordinate Clauses. What do you call 4 bullfighters in quicksand? - Quattro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? - Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? - A pool table. What is a zebra? - 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck. What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? - The taste. What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? - Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a no legged dog? - Right where you left him. Where do you get virgin wool? - From ugly sheep. Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book? - They all have phones. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? - They're trying to get away from the noise. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? - Because they have big fingers. What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch? - Seizure salad. A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" - The bartender says, "Once upon a time." Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama? - Wool. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? - One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with .. The other is used to carry groceries. Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? - Italians hate all witnesses. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? - Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? - Bingo. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? - A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let you stay---but don't start nuthin." Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy. Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce? - Her husband was driving her buggy. A guy is driving down the street. A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?" - The guy says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I went deaf." What do you call a dog with no legs? - It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason. What is the difference between a Jehovah Witness and a Yugo? - You can slam the door on a Jehovah Witness.