The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"
"No thanks," she said sweetly.
"I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."
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My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
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Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right
lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.
So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to
come up with any viable solution, so they send out some
help-me type faxes.
A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax
read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you
requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all
how to do it."
The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized
country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before
and we do not know how to handle it."
The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country
that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and
economic resuscitation.
"We have a great deal of experience in such transition
processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and
to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be
done gradually.
"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big
steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the
trucks to ride on the right lane . . ."
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A blonde brought an picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He
convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a
good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than
let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed.
"No woman can get ready in ten minutes
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17 Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk ?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."
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A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Holy Shit! It really works!"
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They now say that tests on monkeys prove that HIV can be transmitted through oral sex.
What I want to know is what weirdo was hired to blow the monkeys?
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A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large
and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I
can squeeze you in." |
