Yes, here it is again...the Finalists of the 1999 Darwin Awards!
For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards;
these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who
did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he
tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end)
to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County
police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to
the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."
An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the
upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some
fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating
arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation
storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball
seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and
were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT A lawyer and two buddies were
fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of
the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the
lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this
individual stood up, spread his arms wide(crucifixion style)and shouted:
"HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other
two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend
were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from
here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate)
was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU Not much was given to me on this unlucky
fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
Korea who was killed by his cell-phone, more or less. He was doing the usual
"walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break
his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell
of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company
were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into
his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation
of the lighter* like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as
"bright" by his peers.
RUNNER UPS.. KRAZY-GLUE RHINO Although he didn't kick the bucket (hence
runner-up), the following story receives an Honorable Mention. A Vermont
native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday.
While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians
from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr.. Demuth went overboard to show them one of
America's many marvels.
He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" the hard way. Apparently,
Mr.. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,so he put
about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed
them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo
for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part
of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became
aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr.. Demuth, it began to panic and
ran around the petting area wildly making Mr.. Demuth an unintended
passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been
very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to
relax her bowels, when Mr..
Demuth played his juvenile prank, " said James Douglass, caretaker. During
Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number
of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and
one duck were stomped to death.
As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his
hands from her buttocks.
First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down.
However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth
was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was
tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces
from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth
was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people
with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were
able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her
rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a
while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed
with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but
of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader
of the troupe.
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS Even though the cleaning lady in this story
didn't die (another runner-up since she doesn't qualify), she greatly aided
several in hastening their trip to see the Almighty.. "For several months,
our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every
Friday morning" a spokes woman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South
Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on
the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection,
failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed
the cause of these deaths... "It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning
lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life
support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about
her business.
When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine
back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not,
after all, hear the death rattle and eventual solid beep over the whirring of
her polisher". "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner
in question.
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an
electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this
incident. The inquiry is now closed." |
