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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Bruce W. Shier who wrote (12112)	10/21/1999 2:22:00 PM
From: Tomato	Respond to of 62550

> 1). Zelda and Jane were given a Rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. > > > If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of > 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship > in public? > > > > > > 2). Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his > self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% > better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready > to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes? > > > > > > 3). Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a > given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to > renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week? > > > > > > 4). Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% > profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should > Nicole write the check for? > > > > > > 5). The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats > infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight > vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower? > > > > > > 6). A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed > randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn > will be socks of color? > > > > > > 7). George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. > If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is > George's average caffeine density in mg/pound? > > > > > > 8). There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle > plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar > fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or > deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, > how much Evian are they drinking? > > > > > > 9). If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and > the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five > vegans to not eat them? > > > > > > 10). Todd begins walking down Market Strt with twelve $1 bills in his > wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he > have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only > one double-amputee? > > > > > > Advanced Placement Students Only: > > > > > > 11) Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John, and Effie share a three-bedroom > apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one > bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to > run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room > as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning > Man. > > > What is their best option: > > > > > > a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at > Mission High. > > > b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's > bedroom for $500/month. > > > c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual > digital-artists-of-color stipend. > > > d) Rent strike

To: Bruce W. Shier who wrote (12112)	10/21/1999 2:29:00 PM
From: Len	Respond to of 62550

Speaking of eggs, home.earthlink.net. on another note: Life's lessons I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a-holes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big d--k or huge t-ts. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more f--ked up than you think. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I've learned to say "F--k 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages. Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough sh-t.