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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Neenny who wrote (12349)	11/5/1999 1:04:00 PM
From: PMS Witch	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

Christmas gift Buying made easy!! Rule #16: Don't buy at Wall-Mart, K-Mart, or Zellers if the same thing can be acquired from a specialty shop at triple the price -- especially tools. Cheers, PW. One year I bought The Commander an extension ladder, chainsaw, and a really big axe. Kept him happy, busy, and out of my hair until June. (The axe cost the least, and was shown to everyone who came to the house.) Gave him a garden tractor for his birthday and it had the same effect all summer. Warning: Don't get him a shovel. (Unless it's chrome plated, polished, has a rosewood handle, and imported from England.) His tools should represent fun, not work. Another gift suggestion: An air-compressor. You'll need one with a big tank, lots of gauges, and power to shake the house. (Red's a good colour!) This'll get a whole new collection of air-driven power tools started. Just don't ask why the electric ones he's used over the years won't do. For the budget minded, get a propane torch. You can get one for less than $10. For $20, you could get a fire extinguisher too. (Give him the extinguisher first, so he doesn't feel insulted.) Clamps, Locking pliers (Vice-grips), anything magnetic, and almost anything with a leather case will be well received. Avoid car wax! This is something which MUST be selected by men in person. You'll never get the right kind. NEVER get ANYTHING where you can get a discount using a coupon. Men know that if the stuff was any good, it'd fly off the shelves without resorting to bribery. A GPS (Global Positioning thingy) would be a good bet, but if he gets lost a lot, this gift may communicate the wrong message and back-fire.

To: Neenny who wrote (12349)	11/6/1999 11:52:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, but she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, ‘Is this guy blind or what??' “You're in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her. “But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?” “But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman. “I didn't even touch you,” grouses the sheriff. “Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...” Moral: never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

To: Neenny who wrote (12349)	11/6/1999 12:00:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62550

Yet another version of a familiar classic: Tech Support Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, A TROUBLED USER Dear TROUBLED USER: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviatem software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck. Tech Support.