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To: Wooly who wrote (12505)	11/16/1999 2:59:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62551

Tips for Northerners Living in The South 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right. 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 6. Do not buy food at the movie store. 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 8. Remember “y'all” is singular, “all y'all” is plural, and “all y'all's” is plural possessive. 9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent or trying to speak in French. 10. Get used to hearing, “You ain't from around here, are ya?” 11. People walk slower here. 12. Don't be worried you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective “big ol'”, as in “big ol' truck” or “big ol' boy.” Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One-hundred percent are in denial about it. 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 15. Be advised, the “He Needed Killin'” defense is valid here. 16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y'all, watch this!,” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 18. Most Southerners don't use turn signals, and ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, rest assured it was on when the car was purchased. 19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. 21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. 22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer, and should, therefore, be displayed. 23. Southerners going through a divorce and tornadoes have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 24. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 25. In Southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor.” You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy,” “Good Laud!,” and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy.” 26. As you are cursing the person driving 15mph in a 55mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself

To: Wooly who wrote (12505)	11/16/1999 3:02:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

Age barometer: Count how many you remember.... 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! P.S. How about the following? Beeman's Pepsin? Margarine in squeezable plastic bags with orange dye capsules? Victrola playing at the grandparents? Big John and Sparky on the radio? Heck, the radio?

To: Wooly who wrote (12505)	11/16/1999 3:08:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

This is a little known tale of how GOD came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. GOD first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. “What's a commandment?” they asked. “Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied GOD. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.” So then GOD went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, “What's a commandment?” “Well,” said GOD, ”It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.” So finally GOD went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment They asked, “How much?” GOD said, “They're free.” The Jews said, “Great! We'll take TEN!”