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To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (12591)	11/25/1999 12:14:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

A variant on an old theme: HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET ========================================== MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 120 lbs, but known to vary from 98 to 200+lbs OCCURENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered in painted film. 2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other. =========================================== HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET =========================================== MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: MAN SYMBOL: EGO DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs. ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highl concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labour) PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1) Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others. 2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense. 3) Melts if treated like a God. 4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones. (See Jewellery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element. 2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened. 3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking. 4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. 6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6. 8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. 9) Is impervious to embarrassment. 10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (12591)	11/25/1999 12:19:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

> Subject: THE BIBLE > > The following statements about the bible were written by children & > have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left > in): > > In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of > creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. > > Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was > called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to > in pears. > > Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. > > The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had > trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. > > Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel > like Delilah. > > Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. > > Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened > bread which is bread without any ingredients. > > The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses > went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. > > The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. > > The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. > > Moses died before he ever reached Canada. > > Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. > > The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to > stand still & he obeyed him. > > David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. > > He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in > Biblical times. > > Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. > > When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna > Carta. > > When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found > Jesus in the manager. > > Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. > John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. > > Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others > before they do one to you. > > He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." > > It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead & managed to get the > tombstone off the entrance. > > The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. > > The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums > was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. > > St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, > which is another name for marriage. > > A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

To: Elmer Flugum who wrote (12591)	11/25/1999 12:22:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?