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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: The Philosopher who wrote (12615)	11/25/1999 9:42:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

>Are You a Guy? >Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient > > 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the > Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a > token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with > a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is > capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite > supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, > and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all > over the entire Earth. You decide to: > > a. Present it to the president of the United States. > b. Present it to the secretary general of the United > Nations. > c. Take it apart. > > 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful > life do you miss the most? > > a. Innocence. > b. Idealism. > c. Cherry bombs. > > 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? > > a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection > without regard for narrow-minded social > conventions. > b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) > c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and > this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let > him know that, for business reasons, you have to > have him killed. > > 4. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... > > a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved > ones. > b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly > life. > c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's > disease and cancer. > > 5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: > > a. A cat. > b. A dog. > c. A dog that eats cats. > > 6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's > attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being > with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you > are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; > she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the > clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really > loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of > not knowing where your relationship is going. She says > she's not asking whether you want to get married; only > whether you believe that you have some kind of future > together. What do you say? > > a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a > future, but you don't want to rush it. > b. That although you also have strong feelings for > her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready > anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you > don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. > c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play > on third and seventeen. > > 7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and > you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing > the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, > and all the adventures and opportunities that the world > has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? > > a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her > after dinner. > b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you > say her name, and when she turns to you, with the > sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her > eyes, you tell her. > c. Tell her what? > > 8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and > asks you to get your three children ready for school. > Your first question to her is: > > a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" > b. "They're in school already?" > c. "There are three of them?" > > 9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable > explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites > all over the place for forty years before they finally > got to the Promised Land? > > a. He was being tested. > b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised > Land when they finally got there. > c. He refused to ask directions. > >10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? > > a. Democracy. > b. Religion. > c. Remote control. > > How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you > picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 8 on > this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 13, > because he would get the special five-point bonus for > knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease > and cancer.

To: The Philosopher who wrote (12615)	11/28/1999 10:45:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

Panda > > > >A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He > >eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the > >panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? > >You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda > >yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" > > > >The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for > >panda: > > > >"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct > >black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

To: The Philosopher who wrote (12615)	11/28/1999 10:54:00 AM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

COMPUTERS - GENERAL * A computer is like the Old Testament god . . . lots of rules and no mercy. - Joseph Campbell * Being a computer means never having to say you're sorry. * Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk? * There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true. * If cars evolved at the same rate as computers, they'd cost a quarter, run for a year on a half-gallon of gas, and crash once a day, killing everyone inside. * A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. * Intel Inside: The world's most commonly used warning label. MICROSOFT * "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 * Microsoft's slogan should read: "Where do you want to go today? It doesn't matter, you're coming with us." * If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed . . . Oh wait, actually, he does. * The biggest oxymoron of the 1990's - Microsoft Works! * Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901. * Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. * The software said Windows95 or better, so I got Red Hat! * Linux means productivity and fun. NT means 'Not Today'. PROGRAMMING * Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. * Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug. * Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. * My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. * I have yet to meet a C compiler that is friendlier and easier to use than eating soup with a knife. DEFINE YOUR TERMS APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk. MISCELLANEOUS * I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere. * Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? * Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny. * BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding. * How do I set my laser printer on stun? * Error: Sector not found -- search behind couch? (Y/N) * People usually get what's coming to them . . . unless it's been e-mailed. * Character Density: The number of very weird people in the office. * 1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast * C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN * Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. * Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?