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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Henry Volquardsen who wrote (12627)	11/24/1999 4:58:00 PM
From: Chris K.	Respond to of 62558

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Montana as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Montanian standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us." --------------------------------------------------------------- A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the Americans had one person rowing and eight people steering. So the American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. 'We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program". The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives. ---------------------------------------------------------- A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"