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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Iko who wrote (12648)	11/25/1999 6:49:00 PM
From: Thomas M.	Respond to of 62558

An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit) +50 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Minnesotans plant gardens +40 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans sunbathe +35 * Italian cars don't start +32 * Distilled water freezes +30 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * Minnesotans eat ice cream +25 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you +20 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts----Hell YEAH!!! +15 * You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!! * Minnesotans go swimming +10 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You need jumper cables to get the car going 0 * New York landlords turn on the heat -5 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate -15 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo > * Miamians cease to exist * Minnesotans lick flagpoles -20 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens -25 * Too cold to kiss * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * Japanese cars don't start * Minnesota Twins head for spring training -30 * You plan a two-week hot bath > * Bock beer production begins * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof -38 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Minnesotans button top button -40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Minnesotans put on sweaters -50 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * Green Bay Packers practice indoors -60 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -70 * Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets * Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI -80 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -90 * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles * Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer -100 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Minnesotans pull down earflaps -173 * Ethyl alcohol freezes * The University of Minnesota (Twin Cities Campus) closes -445 * Superconductivity -452 * Helium becomes a liquid -454 * Hell freezes over -456 * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90 -458 * Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution -460 (Absolute Zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy * The University of Minnesota-Duluth is closed

To: Iko who wrote (12648)	11/25/1999 6:57:00 PM
From: Thomas M.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

* RERUN * The now-legendary Officer Efficiency Reports: 1."Since my last report this employee has hit rock bottom and has started to dig". 2."His men would follow him everywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity". 3."I would not allow this employee to breed". 4."This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be". 5."Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap". 6."When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there". 7."He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle". 8."This young lady has delusions of adequacy ‘ . 9."He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them". 10."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot". 11."This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better". 13."Not the sharpest knife in the drawer". 14."Got into the gene pool when the life-guard wasn't looking". 15."A room temperature I.Q.". 16."Got the full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together". 17."A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus". 18."A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on". 19."A prime candidate for natural de-selection". 20."Bright as Alaska in December". 21."One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests". 22."Donated his body to science before he was done using it". 23."Fell out of the family tree". 24."Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming". 25."Has two brains; One is lost and the other is out looking for it". 26."He's so dense, light bends around him". 27."If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate". 28."If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week". 29."If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change". 30."If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean". 31."It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm". 32."One neutron short of a synapse". 33."Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled". 34."Takes him 1 hour to watch 60 minutes". 35."Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead". 10. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. 11. He's been working with glue too much. 12. He would argue with a signpost. 13. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room. 14. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 15. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one