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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (12699)	11/30/1999 9:46:00 PM
From: High Grader	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

Subject: Facts of Life If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig?s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (bastards) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (still not over that pig thing!) Humans and dolphins are the only animal species that have sex for pleasure (and yet, there's that pig thing...). On average people fear spiders more than death. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm....I wonder if pigs know about this?) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. (how do pigs...) Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming one-tenth of a calorie. (way to work that muscle!) In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (huh?... what side do pigs fall over on?) Polar bears are left-handed. (what's with those pigs?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish rank #1 for an animal having the most taste buds. The flea can jump 350 times its own body length, it's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (... so that means the average human is 10.29 inches in length?) A cockroach will live 9 days without its head, before it starves to death. (politicians can live their entire lives without a head on their shoulders) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm home.. What the...!!). Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (bastards...there aren't enough hours in a day for pigs to match that!) Butterflies taste with their feet. (and men think with their pants, so what.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (pigs, pigs, pigs....) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (...in case you ever wonder what that wet spot is when you're in a night club) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (so what... my eyes are often bigger than my stomach) Starfish haven't got brains. (just like politicians!) After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs!"

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (12699)	11/30/1999 10:17:00 PM
From: broken_cookie	Respond to of 62550

ROFLMAO Oh, the joke --- Not Particularly Friendly Horoscopes Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18) -------------------------------- You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) -------------------------------- You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) -------------------------------- You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advise. You are a prick. Taurus (Apr 21- May 20) -------------------------------- You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn nerd. Gemini (May 21- Jun 20) -------------------------------- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer (Jun 21- Jul 22) -------------------------------- You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer. LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22) -------------------------------- You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thriving motherfuckers and spend most of their time kissing minors. Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) -------------------------------- You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. Libra (Sep 23- Oct 22) -------------------------------- You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All libras die of Venereal Diseases. Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) -------------------------------- The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21) -------------------------------- You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon is a Sagittarius. You are not worth the time of day. Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19) -------------------------------- You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (12699)	12/1/1999 12:51:00 AM
From: Chris K.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

ROTFLOL ;-) I remember the Voodoo Dick ... Hahahaha ! It all falls into place NOW!!! Do you guys want to know why Classic SI has been soooooooooo slow lately? #reply-12149498 (Voodoo Dick was stuck in SI's servers). Just like this police officer who took the Voodoo Dick for granted, I think SI gave some Voodoo Dick script too much liberty and they forgot to ask it to stop.... The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" #reply-11823563 CK.