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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Calvin Scott who wrote (12775)	12/8/1999 12:10:00 PM
From: Calvin Scott	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62558

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of “Thanks Santa” - what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money? And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

To: Calvin Scott who wrote (12775)	12/8/1999 12:14:00 PM
From: Calvin Scott	Respond to of 62558

Company Policy Start with a tall cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here. And that's how company policy begins....

To: Calvin Scott who wrote (12775)	12/8/1999 12:20:00 PM
From: Calvin Scott	Respond to of 62558

Subject: Black Box The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. ( Black Box- a recording device for audio and instruments usually found in commerical airplanes) They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!” Only the state of Mississippi was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, “Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!”