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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (12894)	12/23/1999 8:25:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Respond to of 62558

Re>Oldie/Goodie? Are you talking about me or the joke? :)

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (12894)	12/26/1999 4:34:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

THIRTY-SIX THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOMEONE FROM KENTUCKY SAY: I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Duct tape won't fix that. Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken. We don't keep firearms in this house. You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe. Professional wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering. I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR. Give me the small bag of porkrinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancée is registered at Tiffany. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. She's too old to be wearing that bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey here's an episode of Hee Haw we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college football team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Elvis who?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (12894)	12/26/1999 5:12:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

Recently a crook in Paris nearly got away with > stealing several paintings > from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, > getting in and out past > security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when > his Econoline ran out of > gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a > crime and then make such an > obvious error, he > replied: > > > > > (brace yourself) > > > > > > (this is going to hurt.) > > > > > > (really bad.) > > > > > > (I warned you.) > > > > > > "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (12894)	12/26/1999 5:17:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62558

Notice from Microsoft: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas Edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Texas. If you have one of the Texas Editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS98 with a background picture of the Alamo superimposed on the Texas flag. It is shipped with a Leann Rimes screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse. My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption. Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys. Control Panel is known as the Dashboard. Hard Drive is referred to as Wheel Drive. Floppies are Them Little Ol' Plastic Disc Thangs. Other features: Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. Terminology: OK = ats aww-right. Cancel = hail no. Reset = aw shoot. Yes = shore. No = Naaaa. Find = hunt-fer it. Go to = over yonder. Back = back yonder. Help = hep me out here. Stop = ternit off. Start = crank it up. Settings =sittins. Programs = stuff that does stuff. Documents = stuff I done done. Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Texas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.