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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: E who wrote (13029)	1/14/2000 2:08:00 PM
From: Jacques Chitte	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

In my E-mail: Try it! Very effective. Last week at a seminar called "Stress and Disease," Dr. Nicholas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress, which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this: On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

To: E who wrote (13029)	1/17/2000 6:46:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

>TIGHT SQUEEZE > The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man > around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet. > > The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a > glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze > even one more drop of juice out would win the money. > > Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. > > One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and > a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, > "I'd like to try the bet." > > After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a > lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the > rind to the little man. > > The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched > his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. > > As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the > little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, > a weight lifter, or what?" > > "No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

To: E who wrote (13029)	1/17/2000 6:56:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

1. Home is where you hang your @ 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). 19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like www.home.com 23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed thrills. 26. Give someone a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

To: E who wrote (13029)	1/17/2000 11:59:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 62549

A variant: EVERYTHING I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW, I LEARNED AT THE MOVIES: >> >> >>1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the >>price range of most people--whether they are employed or not. >>>> >>12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French >>bread. >> >>13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in >>the control tower to talk you down. >> >>14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving >> >>15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make >>the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. >> >>16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian >>officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or >>Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English >>accent for the German). >> >>17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. >> >>18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but >>will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. >> >>19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through >>it before long. >> >> 20. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange >>noises in their most revealing underwear. >> >> 21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always >>say: Enter Password Now >> >>22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary >>to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few >>moments. >> >>23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red >>readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. >> >>24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from >>duty. >> >>25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet >>will know all the steps. >> >>26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make >>sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total >>opposite. >>2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. >> >>3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. >>You will always choose the right one. >> >>4 Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the >>communications system of any invading alien society. >> >>5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight >>involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you >>one by one by dancing around in a threatening >>manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. >> >>6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom >>will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. >> >>7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world >>expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. >> >>8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down >>three days before their retirement. >> >>9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their >>archenemies using complicated machinery involving pulley systems, deadly >>gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, >>which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. >> >>10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a >>strip club at least once >> >>11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the >>armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside >>her