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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: High Grader who wrote (13297)	2/2/2000 9:12:00 PM
From: Gary H	Respond to of 62568

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's >Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a >detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so >interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it >costs. >"Twelve dollars for the rat,sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand >dollars more for the story behind it." >"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." >With the transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze >rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live >rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously >looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he >passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time >he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and >people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into >a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and >abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels and as he sees the >waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full >tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, >now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing >up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind >him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with >one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the >other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the >light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges >over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. >Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. >"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. >"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

To: High Grader who wrote (13297)	2/2/2000 9:14:00 PM
From: Gary H	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62568

GREAT THINKERS OF OUR TIME!? 1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest 2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ---Mariah Carey 3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22 4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. 5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign. 6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward 7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." ---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC 8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks 9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." ---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. > 10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charles De Gaulle 11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas 12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ---Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle 13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." ---General William Westmoreland And last but not least -- a parting word from Dan Quayle: 14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."